Nudity. Fart jokes. And references to genital warts.
For all the hype and all the headlines made over Ashton Kutcher replacing Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men, last night's ninth season premiere didn't exactly stray far from the obvious, immature humor that - incredibly, depressingly - has made this the most-watched sitcom on television for many years.
Before Kutcher first showed up as a heart-broken billionaire named Walden Schmidt, viewers were treated to cameos that included ex-girlfriends played by Jenny McCarthy, and prospective home buyers played by John Stamos, Jenna Elfman and the guy who portrayed her husband on Dharma & Greg.
The appearance by the latter duo was a nice little shout-out to a past Chuck Lorre hit and at least felt fresh. The same can't be said for anything related to Kutcher's Walden.
Granted, he doesn't really drink and he doesn't intentionally womanize. So there is some difference between this character and the late Charlie Harper. But he also doesn't have a shred of personality.
Who knows if Kutcher was stiff as an actor (insert hilarious joke here about his stiff penis because, hey, he was naked a lot!!!) or if Schmidt was simply written that way, but did anyone find this schlub entertaining? Humorous? In possession of any charisma at all? It's only one episode, but Walden came across as both bland and stupid.
Of course, Two and a Half Men isn't aiming for any high ground here. It's just looking to draw in the same viewers that found Sheen's antics and Jon Cryer's sad sack Alan to be worthy of their attention each week. I'm guessing these are the same people who think it's absolutely hysterical to have a naked straight man hug a clothed straight man and then have the latter's son walk in with a frightened expression on his face.
If you're included in this group, then you likely loved the premiere. If you are not, congratulations. You have taste in television.
What did everyone else think of Kutcher's debut?